[box type=”info” align=”” class=”” width=””]I wrote this poem reflecting a dark time when I felt as if everything was coming against me. It all stemmed from my intense self-hatred and guilt from continual sinning, the overwhelming sense of abandonment by God, the mundanness of life, and the absolute emptiness I received from those I loved. At night I’d have this sensation of a burning sea of blood gushing out of my soul. The only hope I had was the possibility of not waking up the next day. I’m only sharing this because I hope it shows that even during the darkest moments, God proves us wrong and rescues us.[/box]

Remind me of who I need to be when I have forgotten what Christ has done for me.
I forget and I fret. I feel my breath go stale and my heart shiver.
Love for God no longer has its flame; its last breath exhales into a cold mist.
Once so close, yet now so far. But within the lost flame I see a spark.
But I turn away because I’ve lost my way. All I could’ve been has gone astray.
No longer here nor there, I am nowhere; lost in an unsettling void.
Will I ever find my way back? Back to the man I thought I was?
Oh wretched man that I despise! May God sever me from the light.
Lonely despair shrieks through my veins. Tears drop like the midnight rain.
Oh God, my God! Why have I forsaken you? Have you forsaken me too?

Life is a suffocating toxin, an endless grasp for breathe until death does me in.
I am the shadow that no one sees, the voice that no one hears, the man no one knows.
All of my waking days are spent as an endless facade; but I know I cannot fool God.
He sees my every failure and inscribes it in his book of judgement and death.
I once had such dreams and a hopeful glare crossed my burning eyes
But now I am left with the ashes of dreams, the remains of bleeding memories.
The demons feast on my flesh, relishing in all of its inevitable death.
There must be some escape; perhaps it’s a dream from which I can awake!

But I can only awake to madenning despair, of which there is no escape.
I have fallen away from grace, and now I can never see your face.
Not even the moon will cast its comforting light upon me.
I sought your voice and your intimate arms in my distress
But I was orphaned; your silence pierced through my heart like a tempest
Even the two women I have ever loved, who swore to protect my heart, ripped it apart
So I come to realize, the only father I have is pain; the only lover I have is death.
The kisses of Judas have become sweeter than the promises of love
So come, Death, put an end to the part of me that’s left.


Forgive me, oh God, forgive me for my lack of faith
Sparks may be faint, but its the weak and the faint that God makes into saints.