9Jan

My Soul’s Darkest Night

I wrote this poem reflecting a dark time when I felt as if everything was coming against me. It all stemmed from my intense self-hatred and guilt from continual sinning, the overwhelming sense of abandonment by God, the mundanness of life, and the absolute emptiness I received from those I loved. At night I’d have this sensation of a burning sea of blood gushing out of my soul. The only hope I had was the possibility of not waking up the next day. I’m only sharing this because I hope it shows that even during the darkest moments, God proves us wrong and rescues us.

Remind me of who I need to be when I have forgotten what Christ has done for me.
I forget and I fret. I feel my breath go stale and my heart shiver.
Love for God no longer has its flame; its last breath exhales into a cold mist.
Once so close, yet now so far. But within the lost flame I see a spark.
But I turn away because I’ve lost my way. All I could’ve been has gone astray.
No longer here nor there, I am nowhere; lost in an unsettling void.
Will I ever find my way back? Back to the man I thought I was?
Oh wretched man that I despise! May God sever me from the light.
Lonely despair shrieks through my veins. Tears drop like the midnight rain.
Oh God, my God! Why have I forsaken you? Have you forsaken me too?

Life is a suffocating toxin, an endless grasp for breathe until death does me in.
I am the shadow that no one sees, the voice that no one hears, the man no one knows.
All of my waking days are spent as an endless facade; but I know I cannot fool God.
He sees my every failure and inscribes it in his book of judgement and death.
I once had such dreams and a hopeful glare crossed my burning eyes
But now I am left with the ashes of dreams, the remains of bleeding memories.
The demons feast on my flesh, relishing in all of its inevitable death.
There must be some escape; perhaps it’s a dream from which I can awake!

But I can only awake to madenning despair, of which there is no escape.
I have fallen away from grace, and now I can never see your face.
Not even the moon will cast its comforting light upon me.
I sought your voice and your intimate arms in my distress
But I was orphaned; your silence pierced through my heart like a tempest
Even the two women I have ever loved, who swore to protect my heart, ripped it apart
So I come to realize, the only father I have is pain; the only lover I have is death.
The kisses of Judas have become sweeter than the promises of love
So come, Death, put an end to the part of me that’s left.

—-SOME TIME AFTER––

Forgive me, oh God, forgive me for my lack of faith
Sparks may be faint, but its the weak and the faint that God makes into saints.

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