I am appreciative of what God has been doing in my life, and I love every thing He has been changing in me, but lately, I have not been active on Walking Christian nor have I been active on my Youtube channel. My friends, I cannot begin to fathom where my life is heading into because I’m hindered and broken so much even though I have been holding on to Jesus.
Everyday, my relationship with my parents weakens and I always thought that being with God and following His Word is going to help me bridge the gap we always had for many years. I thought going to school was going to make them smile at me for once. I thought the new pastor of the church they are going to will help them improve their relationship with God. Now, I realize there’s no point into all of this. I am stressed, and I am already on the brink of discontinuing school. Even though, 2013 is the last year I have for school, I feel as if my time in college has been useless. I have been extremely lonely, and I’ve been denying my depression. I want time alone with God, but living in the house I am sleeping in is no longer considered to be my home. All these years, I should have known that God has already shown me that my connection with my family has been destroyed.
I feel homeless. Spiritually.
I cannot post anything on Walking Christian because I am such a horrible example of what Christian Living should be. I feel that I lost my credibility ever since I fell into this hole that has been created. My life has turned upside down since the beginning of 2012, and I have been contemplating suicide.
I don’t know what to do at all. I was looking forward to continuing Aruced and the Christian Gaming Community in Walking Christian, but the Lord has been saying no to me on everything now, and He wants me to do something that I doubt myself in.
My friends, my brothers, sisters, and spiritual family: This is the last post I will write. Until then, good bye everyone. Sorry that I have let a l0t of you down. I need time to think for myself.
2 Responses to Spiritually Homeless
David August 4, 2012
Whoah, bro. I don’t see how you’ve been a bad example of a Christian. We fall; we screw up; and we mess up. It happens. You can’t beat yourself up. I was like that (still am from time to time). I’ll beat myself up to the point that I make myself feel worthless. It’s not healthy psychologically and it’s not healthy spiritually. I always remember that it’s the broken, messed up sinner that Christ wants. Whenever I feel like I cant go further and when I’m not worth it, I always remember that it’s the lonely one Christ wants. I don’t know all the details and I don’t have to know, but don’t give up. Do NOT give up. Remember this is an endurance race, not a sprint. You have to hang in there and seek help. Sometimes our pride gets in the way of going to people, but we need to overcome it. Talk to Gil or me or someone. For me, it helps to write. If you have to, write out a daily journal in private, or if you’re willing, here on the blog. Share yourself. It’s a community and we’re here to help each other.
Gil Sanders August 5, 2012
Michael,
I know you think a lot about what others think of you, but dude, don’t let that control your life. It’s time to stop living in a way that pleases others, it’s time that you TRULY live for Christ. All this constant disappointment, fear, and depression is the result of your constant attempt to be someone important to other people. You got to give that all up. Maybe you think suicide is the only way to get others to care about you, but what happened about God and our friendship? Stop. By quitting this blog and quitting on life, you are giving up on Christ. To live is Christ, right? How then can you contemplate such things? Look man, I am concerned for your well-being… Quitting this blog will only increase your idleness, thereby increasing the potential to be left to your own loneliness and depression. Seriously, just start blogging. Do something. The more you do for the Kingdom of Christ, the less you will be preoccupied with yourself.
Now, I can understand if you’re just emotionally toying with that idea… but you’re not alone. Didn’t Job feel like he was better off dead? Read Job again if you have to. No one who is in Christ is homeless, you have to understand that. Maybe you feel your family has abandoned you, but our Father will never abandon you. And I see no reason to think that the Lord has been saying “No”. How is He telling you that WC is not good for you? Ask yourself… Who does this action benefit more? God or Satan? I have to say its the latter. And as your friend, there’s no way I am going to allow this to happen without a fight.